Between the Trees

I remember once hearing a talk a few years ago on male and female differences which was really helpful. He essentially argued that, while there is of course overlap, there is a fundamental desire in men for what he called “respect” and for women what he called “cherishing.” Thus Paul’s tendency to command husbands to love their wives and wives to submit to their husbands.

At the time, I had mixed feelings about this idea. I’ve always been a reluctant complementarian. Since getting married, however, I’m beginning to thing there’s something profoundly true in this observation. As Elizabeth and I work through our respective sin issues in the proximity of marriage, I’m realizing that we tend to react really differently to things. In particular, it seems like we have different responses to times when we have an overarching sense of guilt from the other person. For Elizabeth, when she feels guilt it drives her to change, but in an unhealthy way. She tries to earn the love I should be freely giving her. However, fundamentally, guilting effects a change, it’s just one borne out of ungodly motives.

For me, on the other hand, the opposite tends to be true. When I feel guilted to do something, my automatic response is to quit. I retreat into this sort of lethargic cocoon in which nothing changes. This is why what I really need in working through sin is respect: I need to know that my wife respects me. When this happens, something in me seems to change and I really want to overcome sin, rather than just surrendering to it with a feeling of defeat. I think this observation explains why, in so manyy households, the woman tends to become overworked and frustrated while the man spends his days watching TV and drinking beer. Neither of them is living as God calls them, and so both of them are driven further from each other and a healthy marriage.

However, there is a bigger idea this has gotten me thinking about. I think that these same basic needs are the reason that women in America tend to appear more “Christian” than men. Think about it: if there is a failing in evangelicalism, it’s that we tend to motivate people to activity through what amounts to a spiritual “guilt trip.” What are the responses? Women become hyper-involved, but too often its the sort of emotionally-unhealthy, guilt-driven involvement which at the end of the day leaves them empty and scarred. Men, on the other hand, tend to withdraw. They feel guilty, so they just bail on responsibility and live in the same sort of lazy detachment from spirituality that they have perfected in their marriages.

Clearly, what women need is a good dose of God’s unconditional, gospel-soaked love. Don’t misunderstand, men need this too, but women in particular need to be freed from the sense of duty which attempts to work their way into God’s favor. They need to know that God will always cherish, hold and rejoice in them no matter what.

What men really need, however, is something similar but also importantly different. They need a God who respects them. Now I know this can be uncomfortable for some of us. We think to ourselves “God can’t respect men; that endangers his greatness.” First off, this probably betrays that what we think of as complementarianism within marriage is actually chauvenism. If respect can only flow from a lesser being to a greater one, then we’ve just admitted that all of our talk of equality between genders is just a hypocritical disguise. Secondly, it means that we really have misunderstood how Scripture views us within God’s overall design for the universe.

Men (and women, but as I’ve said, I really think this is what men need ot meditate on), you are God’s agents in this world. You are his soldiers, his sons, his ambassadors. God has placed upon you the greatest calling any created thing in the universe could possibly have: you are to show forth His glory to all of creation.  This is a position of honor and respect. You are the tools God uses to remake the cosmos; you are His chosen rulers over creation; you will one day judge men and angels and reign with Christ in His kingdom on earth. Granted, none of this depends on you, but neither does the honor Elizabeth shows me have anything to do with the fact that I’ve earned it. What matters is that the Lord has shown you incredible honor, and has in a sense even submitted his plans to your labors. Think on this fact, and then go live like it.